Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Another Anniversary

Today marks another anniversary.  Year 3.

Sometimes I sit and wonder if this is real life.  Did Dad actually die?  Has it really been 3 years?

Questions regularly fill my mind, especially this time of year, but my grief is different these days.  My heart less heavy, my mind less distracted by the realization that he is indeed gone.  Never feeling "better now," but feeling more "okay" with each passing day.

Today I don't really want to be on my phone or on social media as I want to be in this day myself.  Please don't confuse that with thinking that I want to be alone!  No, I just want to be with my own thoughts and self today.  The last 3 years I've felt this, a little bit...but this year it's really all I want to do - to find a spot and sit with my Dad and myself.  To be.

Today is different for me too because in this journey of moving forward, I find myself being okay with not posting a picture of my Dad out of remembrance.  Strangely it's partly to do with not having any new photos of him.  I know this is part of moving forward.  It's always a struggle for me not to feel guilty in moving forward.  Thankfully, to combat the guilt I can always go back to my Dad's very words, "Keep living life!  Do not stop!"  I am blessed to even have a video message of him saying it to me...to us.

I am grateful of all the friends and family that join me in celebrating my Dad's life, especially today, but really most days.

Today I hold grief and hope in both hands.

Today, and every other day, I remember my sweet Papa, his legacy, and the brave choices and love he lived.

Today I choose to keep moving forward and being okay, knowing I'm actually honouring my Dad.

Today I am blessed that I get to feel the great loss his absence is in my life.  Yes, I get to feel it.

Today I see all the hard work I've sewn in coming to this place of "okay-ness."  Not "better," but "okay."

Today I continue to choose to be thankful no matter the circumstances.

And today, when I think of my blessings, I count my family twice.

October 21st will always be my special day, just me and my Daddy.

Enjoy this video we had at Dad's memorial service.  And as always, if you have a memory of my Dad, please be free to share it in the comment section below.  I love hearing how he's touched other peoples' lives.

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